Random Quotes

I have nothing else to do...enjoy!


"I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality."

"Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!"

"An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience."

"I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle."

"I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific."

"I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs."

"I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late."

"I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit."

"My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set."

"The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall."


-Mitch Hedberg