I don't know if maybe I have a lot to say today, or if I have just been holding all this stuff in, but I can tell you what, this whole purging business is making me feel some better.
I think that personally, I need to find out what I actually like about myself. I mean, I don't NOT like myself, no self-loathing found here...but I don't think that I value what I have and what I can do. I can count lots of values and skills that I have that no one else has around me...I dunno. I guess I've focused so much on not thinking about my good qualities, and just focusing on the bad that has made me not appreciate myself as much as I should. I'm not saying I'm gonna hang posters of myself around my apartment, but I need to realize that I'm not a fuck-up, I'm not a bad guy, I may be harsh with those I care about, but it's because I don't want to see them have pain in the future. I need to realize this before I bind my life with another; whether it's a wife, a child...or both. I need to be able to give positive reinforcement...and I think I don't give it because it is so rarely given to me. I mean, when people tell me something nice about myself, I don't even know how to take it or what to say in response. Is that odd?
I know there isn't really anyone out there that reads this thing...but I wish someone would tell me that I'm not overanalyizing this, and that other people feel or have felt this way in times past. Just like I want to know that my yearning for a spouse isn't nuts...and it's ok to want one. I mean, honestly...if I was able to buy one, I would. Like if it were a shoe or something, not a mail-order bride...I don't want that type of commitment.
It's just hard: and people don't give life the respect that it is due. You have to live it until your life is over...you deal with it everyday. Your existence is intertwined with others...so you are important to someone. It's just that sometimes you want that someone to be your someone...even if they are the wrong one. These self-help books don't work; and half the time I bet their lives aren't a walk in the park either. I just want to be honest, love, live, and enjoy. Nothing in that statement is vain...nothing in that statement is selfish...I just need to keep going and hopefully things will fall into place like Connect Four.
Be Safe or Be Forgotten.
the bold type
5 years ago
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1 comments:
i don't think you are crazy at all... or over-analytical. i think more people should take a good look at their life and expectations.
and there is also nothing wrong with wanting to find a spouse. i can feel you on that one. dating is wack
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