Complicated...

I wish I could change,
I wish I could change;
I wish I could stop saying the same old things.
I wish I could be,
Who you want me to be,
I wish I could stop being the same old me.
I wish I could lose all of my blues;
I wish I could stop putting my blues on you.
I wish I could love like nobody loves;
I wish that my goods outweighed my bads enough.

There's no way There's no way There's no way...
I can get back that girl,
Cause I'm too complicated;
And shes not complicated,
But I'm too complicated.

...so if you have Robin Thicke's cd, you should remember hearing this song...and as SOON as I heard it, I completely identified with it. I mean, I have so many thoughts and emotions that I process on the daily; and most women that I get involved with want to know about them...and I don't want to tell...but when I finally do share, they make me regret it. Don't get me wrong, I'm no Ax murderer...and I'm not crazy...but I do have things that I wonder about, worry about, plan ahead to...things I want...and that isn't the half.


Sometimes I feel like I don't know what I'm suppose to do. Like I don't know how I'm suppose to be when I am interested in a woman. When I want her the wrong way, I know everything to say, but when I want her the right way...I get nervous, I worry, I get scared. It's weird. I try to ignore it, but then you can tell on my face that something is wrong. I mean, this chick I like asked me the other day if I could deal with someone being at my house with me everyday...I said no thinking about the last person I was involved with...but really thinking about it, I don't know. I know I would like to have someone that I could trust enough for that...someone that wouldn't annoy the hell out of me...but I really don't know what it would be like to have that again. The last time I had a situation like that was so long ago, I really don't know what I'd want to have in a long-term deal now...

My last relationship had a lot of boundaries...and I understood that if I wanted to entertain a relationship with this person, I had to abide by the boundaries...so it was kinda like I customized what I wanted based on what she wanted...it wasn't fair. I mean, some of the stuff was cool...but I really didn't have a choice. I mean, she came by every Friday...that was cool. But sometimes I missed her on Tuesday, or on Sunday...and she would never come over. It kinda hurt, because I knew she did it for the last guy...she would be there everyday if he wanted her to...so it made me feel like she cared more about him than me...it sucked.

Saying that, I really don't know...don't know what I'd do or feel...I really don't know if I can find someone that I'm gonna really want anymore...I felt so rejected from her. I, I didn't know it would bother me so much; I didn't know that typing this would make it hurt...

I'm sure I'll be fine, but in the midst of the storm, you can't always see the way to dry land.

Be Safe or be Smitten.