Man, this is reckless...

I have finally moved out of my parents' house...it feels so grandtorious!!! I'm sayin' like, I can do whatever I want, whenever I want. It's cool...I really like it. The rent is affordable, my stuff is going look really nice in my place when I get all of it...and I am involved with someone...It is coming along quite nicely...I'm really happy right now. The funny thing is that her name is Christin...I know, right?

Look how time changes things...

Huh...

Yeah, I know I have been neglecting my blog, but life has been a bit busy...I have been catching up on rest and cutting bogus, lying, manipulative, retarded, stuck on themselves, just plain pointless females out of my life...(Hint: Rosland and Kristen, I'm talking about y'all, with your retarded expectations and pure wastes of my life...) That is not bitterness...it's just frustration. I mean, I know they really think that they made the decision...but they actually just saved me the trouble of telling them to forget who I am...ugh...I will write about it later, along with everything else that is going on now...

Reckless

Most of my mind wanders to what could have been...the rest of it wonders what will be. I'm not sure which outlook is better. I know that I am suppose to make the best of what I have, but it still erks me that I let what I had slip away. I am not talking about a girl...but I am talking about opportunities. I mean, I do have another plan developed, but it isn't as promising looking as the original plan was. I guess that is only because I have no idea how it's going to pan out. I know I am going to be a success at whatever it is that I am suppose to do with my life, but still. The suspense mounts daily...life really is a test after all, it just gives you a bunch of chances to make it up...unless you give up.

Life is an Anonymity...

Much has passed in front of my eyes these few weeks...


I feel the recurring Mike Jones theme song playing in my head, "Back then, didn't want me...now I'm hot, all on me..."

I don't get it. How many times do I say that? I'm still a milk man, I'm still in the process of preparing myself to move out, but in the same breath it isn't as stressful to do so anymore. I'm not really worried about it anymore. Me and Dad are mending our relationship...that's pretty cool...I messed up the driver's side fender...but I may just take it off and replace it myself; sans duct tape. My job is getting better...i guess...Tampico is the negro...


I'm still losing weight...I have lost about 35 to 40 pounds...I almost feel sexy...


Life is pretty mellow...my affinity for Kristen has faded away...but it seems like it's trying to apply itself to Rosland...even though I don't want it too...

Plus, there is another girl who actually likes me now...I might start to date her and see what's up with that.

Not much else has been going on...pretty lame, huh?

Amazing...

I know this isn't very much of a time difference between my last post and today's post, but I feel a whole lot better.

For starters...I have decided if a chick can't appreciate the wonderful cat that I am, too bad for her...she missed out. I'm not ugly, and I have a personality...I do drive a Honda, but I don't sell drugs...I have a job, with benefits, and I am actually intelligent...


...and I'm not trying to bone!!!


So, I think that is a pretty good start...

Plus I groom fairly well for the weekends, and my style is cool, but not overbearing...and I always smell good...that's always a plus. Chicks are just finicky during the summer...guys are too, so don't sweat it.


I have a lot to offer, and I'm getting in shape...my arms are looking nice!

So, in closing; I'm cool...not just in the trite slang sense of the word's meaning, but I feel fine...I think I just needed to get that crap out of my system...plus I hadn't slept much last week...that probably contributed to my condition.

So, I will be kickin' it, with either overpriced coffee in my hand or some tea/lemonade mixed enjoying my summer...

I even have a fresh pair of white on whites...with a reserve with the gum bottom...

Yeah, I'll be cool...

To be honest...

I guess that is pretty much how I am, and lately, that is how I have felt. I feel drained all the time, and to compensate, I go and hang out with my friends to make me feel better...I feel lonely even still...I don't know. It's the oddest reality of sorts. I'm tired of dealing with problems. I need a streak of successes or something...a reward...I don't know...at least some free gas for my car...

aghhhhhhhaggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhaghghghlsddljafeiowhnvdo;wierujoenw vl!!!!!!!!


I have absolutely NO IDEA what that would sound like, but I do think the Neptunes could sample it and get paid off of my angst...but I'm not even a teen...

whatever.

I'll get over it.

...the question is how?

Infamous Color Quiz Pt. II

I took this a while ago, and it gave me some startling accurate results...this is what it said initially:

Your Existing Situation

Insecure. Seeks roots, stability, emotional security, and an environment providing greater ease and fewer problems.

Your Stress Sources

Delights in the tasteful, the gracious, and the sensitive, but maintains his attitude of critical appraisal and refuses to be swept off his feet unless genuineness and integrity can be absolutely vouched for. Therefore keeps a strict and watchful control on his emotional relationships as he must know exactly where he stands. Demands complete sincerity as a protection against his own tendency to be too trusting.

Your Restrained Characteristics

Circumstances are such that he feels forced to compromise for the time being if he is to avoid being cut off from affection or from full participation. The situation is preventing him from establishing himself, but he feels he must make the best of things as they are.

Your Desired Objective

Seeks affectionate, satisfying and harmonious relationships. Desires an intimate union, in which there is a love, self-sacrifice and mutual trust.

Your Actual Problem

Needs to protect himself against his tendency to be too trusting, as he finds it is liable to be misunderstood or exploited by others. Is therefore seeking a relationship providing peaceful and understanding intimacy, and in which each knows exactly where the other stands.


...this is what I got today:

Your Existing Situation

Willing and adaptable. Only at peace when closely attached to a person, group, or organization on a which reliance can be placed.

Your Stress Sources

The tenacity and strength of will necessary to contend with existing difficulties has become weakened. Feels overtaxed, worn out, and getting nowhere, but continues to stand his ground. He feels this adverse situation as an actual tangible pressure which is intolerable to him and from which he wants to escape, but he feels unable to make the necessary decision.

Your Restrained Characteristics

Very exacting in the standards he applies to his choice of a partner and seeking a rather unrealistic perfection in his sex life.
Conditions are such that he will not let himself become intimately involved without making mental reservations.

Your Desired Objective

Wants to swipe aside the things that stand in his way, to follow his impulses, and be involved in special or exciting happenings. In this way he hopes to deaden the intensity of his conflicts, but his impulsive behavior leads him to take risks.

Your Actual Problem

The tensions induced by trying to cope with conditions which are really beyond his capabilities, or his reserves of strength, have led to considerable anxiety and a sense of personal (but unadmitted) inadequacy. He attempts to remedy this by intense activity and by insistence on getting his own way. Faulty self-control can lead to ungovernable displays of anger.


Anyone who knows me that reads this blog, is this really me???

The Heart of the Sun

To understand principle is to fully grasp not only what has been declared as so, but to understand the vantage point that it was delivered from. This has eluded me for many moons...but not to dwell on the past, lets move forward...

Principle has always been a cornerstone of my own understanding and revelation knowledge, but I don't quite get why indifference is translated into insubordinance in certain arenas. To decide what one's fate is before they are cast from the womb is not only unfair, but it is unjust. Yet, some actions have been the precursor for some predictaments that I have faced...I could just cast it away as something I can't understand, but that is an excuse...as everything else seems to be. I don't quite understand the difference between excuses and explanations...

Where did it all start? Alas, much has been said of the situation, but not of the outcome...much is said of the outcome, but not the conditioning...You learn how to pacify, and that is included into a list of cop-outs....

You ask why my face displays the reactions it paints...and I ask why does the painter paint but for inspiration? Yes, can you see it now? I don't think you can. Even if I extract verbatim what something is, analogous conceptions are hung out to dry.

...then what is the issue?

Lose vs. Lose...either way, you give the same opinion, then why ask? You can save the comments on my incompetive behavior, for one learns from either example or condition, what else is there?

Do you have an Answer?

Brick Wall

I'm not going to bother explaining what this has to do with...but if that person is reading this, then I guess they'll know what this means...'cause I sure don't:


All I keep seeing is a brick wall. It is ridiculously high, I have no idea how to get over it. I mean, I've gone around it, but it is still there...a nuisance. It's really getting on my last nerve. I don't get it, and more than likely, I never will. I've helped many people climb walls like this, but I can't seem to find anyone that can really help me. I've talked to the wall...but my words just bounce off...stone can't understand words or reasoning. I don't get it. I understand molecular biology, but not this. They should have classes on wall climbing. I'd take four. I can't even understand why I can't just accept that this is a wall that I cannot climb...I want to though. Not for the sense of accomplishment, and not for a trophy...but because this is the only wall that has ever made me feel like I can quit. This is the only wall that seems like it matters. In my mind...all I see is this cinnamon colored wall...has to be like 5 million yards high...but its foundation is so stable that it won't fall over...I guess I'll just settle for a life of nothing for another 11 months...oh man, I want to cry.

As We Proceed...

...to give you what you need!!!


Man, I haven't heard that in a while...

Well, me and Rozzdizzle are pals now, which is a refreshing change...I mean, I know I have one other female friend...



...but she's different. I don't quite know what to say about her; even still.


Work is becoming annoying. Six day work weeks are no joke, and it seems like as soon as I recover halfway, here comes work, staring me in the face...ugghhhhh
I need more money.

I think I need to anoint my wallet with oil or something.



Moving out is becoming the growing trend in my life. All my plans start with, "I'm moving out, so..." It's like, before I spend money, I'm thinking that the $4.75 I'm about to spend could buy a box or something to move out with...it's becoming almost retarded in my mind, but I do need to save more...i might stop going out for a couple weeks, just to save more money.



I wish I had more to write...but I really didn't do much this weekend...

Blah, blah, blah, bye.

Light-Skinned Complex

I have been accused of having a light-skinned complex. I know why, it's just I don't quite agree with them. I mean, yes, I'm yellow, but I am an equal opportunity employer, so I don't know why they think I only like light girls. I mean, my top ten list is flooded with light and exotic women, but that doesn't mean I don't think brown and dark skinned girls are equally as beautiful. Maybe I have a preference...I can agree with that. But everybody has a preference. Look at the trends...dark, bald, midnight-infused negroes were, and still are all the rage...you don't see me pointing the finger, do you? I might complain that I should have been born in '76 so I could have been in style, but that's about it...I mean, I don't get it. I dated a white girl, and I got the "Couldn't you have at least got somebody ETHNIC!?!?!?!" look from black chicks...then I dated a few asian and hispanic girls and got the, "You think you are too good for black girls, huh..." look. Then I dated some light or mixed, (black and asian, black and hispanic), girls...then all the brown and dark girls are screaming, "LIGHT-SKINNED COMPLEX!!!" at me...


I can't win.

Then all my friends hate on my hair, so I cut it...then they all want to grow their hair out to try to make it look like mine did...even though it never will...my hair was fantastic...


oh well...

I guess I'll live.

Three Things...yeah I stole it, what!?!?!?

I know this isn't the first one you read, but oh well...


THREE THINGS I AM WEARING RIGHT NOW
1. Two extended length black tees
2. Black jeans
3. ...and my illustrious black and gray bapes...

THREE THINGS ON MY DRESSER
1. My keys
2. Eclipse Mints
3. Pocket change

THREE THINGS I WANT TO DO BEFORE I DIE
1. Go to Japan
2. Have my own island
3. Have a great wife and kids...

THREE GOOD WAYS TO DESCRIBE MY PERSONALITY
1. Witty
2. Humorous
3. Thoughtful

THREE BAD THINGS ABOUT MY PERSONALITY
1. Sarcastic
2. Analytical
3. Harsh

THREE PARTS OF MY HERITAGE
1. African-American
2. 1/8th Irish
3. I'm Yellow!!!
THREE THINGS I LIKE ABOUT MY BODY
1. Hair
2. Face
3. Eyes
THREE THINGS I DON'T LIKE ABOUT MY BODY
1. Butt...(I'm a man...it isn't suppose to be this big...)
2. Chin...it's too small
3. Eyebrows...but I don't wax them...

THREE THINGS MOST PEOPLE DON'T KNOW ABOUT ME
1. That I talk differently to certian people that I think can't understand my vocabulary or wouldn't appreciate it...
2. I don't go out of my way to talk to women
3. I'm shy

THREE THINGS I SAY THE MOST
1. "...for real?
2. "Are you Serious?!?!?!"
3. "You. Are. Retarded."

THREE PLACES I WANT TO GO
1. Paris
2. London
3. Tokyo

THREE NAMES THAT I GO BY (other than normal name)
1. Chris
2. C.J. (Family and super-close inner circle family friends call me that.)
3. Christopher James (only one young lady calls me that.

THREE SCREEN NAMES I HAVE HAD
1. FoSho2405
2. CapnPimp2213
3. blazesandstorm

The Look...

I'm not quite sure what it is, how I got it, or how or where it was developed...but I have this look...

No, I'm not America's Next Top Model, and it isn't even about aesthetics...It's just the way I look at women. I mean, I don't demean them at all, but when I'm interested, I have a way of looking at them: I just don't understand it. I just figured out this weekend that I have this "power". I mean, it's actually kinda hilarious. I just look into their eyes...and if I'm into their eyes, I kind of let there eyes wrap themselves around my essence until they trust me, and they start to feel warm inside. How do I know that they get all warm inside you ask??? They start to tug at their shirts like they aren't quite sure of what type of material it was made from, or like they are trying to rub something off their fingertips gently...It's the oddest thing to see. It reminds me of when James Bond talks to Moneypenny or something...

Now, if there is female that is reading this that I know personally...I doubt if I ever gave you all the look...and more than likely, you will NEVER see it, (unless you just so happen to see when when I shoot it at another woman...).

I mean, I know pretty much who reads this site...but anyway, don't ask me to do it. I can't really do it on demand...it's just something that happens...like photosynthesis.

Weird, huh?

I'm not too sure of anything...

Really now, do you expect any different anymore???

I think women are a distraction.

No...women ARE a distraction. I mean, they are fantastic and all, but now it is just getting ridiculous. Every single time I go ANYWHERE with ANYONE, there are at least 2.8 women that I know out, and they just miss me so much...yeah right...I really don't get it...it must be the whole "summer love" thing...


Aside from that, everything else is cool. Work is fine, my benefits are cool...I think I'm going to get the lasik surgery in a month or so...I just bought some new sneakers, a watch, some shirts, a jacket, and a cell phone...It's a throwback Nextel, but I got it for a steal!

Man, I'm not sure what else to say...I'm becoming more of a brother to one of my childhood friends, Richard. He's a good guy, he just needs some one to talk to...his father treats him kinda bogus...asked him if he wanted some condoms for prom...why would you ask your son that??? I mean, even if he NEEDED them, you think that he wants to talk to his father about that sort of thing? I mean, that's cool if you have that type of relationship with your dad, but he doesn't. That doesn't add up to me, but maybe it isn't suppose to...

This is Goofy...

I mean, I said last time I was swearing off the wife search, but why now three women from my immediate past pop up, and the girl I met at the restaurant down the street from my house wants to go out this Saturday...a girl I worked with at CLC wants to go out Sunday after church...I don't get it. I'm starting to really believe that women are just a big distraction...I mean, me and Lanese are cool, Kristen and I are pretty good friends...I'm cool, I guess. I don't know. This is just the wackiest thing, dealing with women. I mean, I LOVE WOMEN, but I don't like not knowing how to react sometimes. I know I may come off as this super brilliant guy to most of the women I talk to, sometimes I just don't know how to explain the emotions that make me feel like a dufus. Whatever...

Diary of a Mad Milk Man...

You have noticed that as of late, I haven't been blogging lately. I mean, it is more than the fact that I have been busy...and it is even more than the fact that I no longer work at the College of Last Chance...I just haven't wanted to. I mean, I am a pretty open person, and I am willing to share myself with people, but I haven't felt the need to. I have been feeling a great mixture of emotions as of late, and I don't quite understand what they all mean. I have pretty much given up on the Wife Search for now...even if I find or have found her, I probably couldn't handle her right now, and even if I could handle her in my life, I'm not sure if I know how to handle a woman in my life anymore. Then trying to figure out if a girl/woman really actually appreciates you the same way you appreciate her without getting your feelings hurt is a greatly unnecessary hassle...I don't quite know anymore. The more life I live, the more I come to understand that I really don't know anything. Most of my knowledge is relative, and even with that, I am questioning my own sense of "absolute truths". I'm not questioning God, and I am not questioning my own sexuality or anything like that, but still...Things that I thought that I knew how to decipher are coming back with confusing results. I need a vacation. From life. Like a sort of way to pause my own existence, and learn new things...relax, and then unpause exactly where I left...not losing any time. My poetry is flowing pretty well....I am seeming to grow spiritually...my bond with my male friends is growing exponentially...I should be happy, right?













Then Why Aren't I Happy???

Educational Technology Specialist

Now, what do you think this post is about? Yes, it is about my job at the College of Lake County. No, it is not my position, but the position of my "supervisor". He is soooo good at his job that he shows up whenever he wants to...he fantasies about underage girls, and he also plays favoritism when it is convenient. He is the worst person, as far as skill is concerned, at his position. He is lazy, completely inefficient, and a wuss...

Now, why am I bad mouthing this guy like this? Simply because he chose to dodge responsibility for his actions, and it just so happens that one of my friend's is the dean of this campus. He ignores responsibility of his actions, and of his lab assistants. Now, today he chose to b***h me out about it, and I wasn't feeling it...so I told him about himself. Now, am I worried that I will get fired for it? Possibly. But not before I take him down with me...

Retarded People

Most of you all know by now that I work part-time at a community college here in Waukegan. I have complained on numerous occasions about people acting all retarded in my labs...this is the kicker though....

Today, a Black co-worker of mine who is in the lab on his off-time is complaining to me about the printer. He is saying how I should be doing my job, and I should be in the room at all times so he can print. Now, normally speaking, this is all well and fine, but he doesn't really know what my job is here. See, I get paid more than he does. A considerable amount more. So, with that, I have more responsibility...There is always more than one lab open, and there is always one lab assistant for each lab. Being the fact that I get paid more, I have to do more stuff...all he has to do when he is here is monitor the lab that he is sitting in...that's it. Meanwhile, I have to monitor the lab, open and set up multiple classes, and troubleshoot for the classes in session. I have a walkie-talkie. Not him. He thinks that I have it SO easy...whatever. Then I tell him what the problem is, and he gets all whacked out on me, complaining that I am wrong, and he is right. First off, I've been here longer than him...Second, I have taken two years worth of CompSci classes...of the Engineering sort...I think he might be a general studies major...Third, this has happened before, this current printer problem, and now it is doubled with a whole new problem...so it isn't as easy as clearing a paper jam...Forth, if every time you print, the paper jams, wouldn't you think it was much more than an alignment problem? I guess not...maybe I am the retarded one...

I doubt it.

The Hottest Milk Man Ever?

Yeah, I know I did a post about the #1 Milk Man...this is still along the same line as that:


Me and my new driver, Jim, were joking around about the whole best milk man ever thing...and then he tells me that I'm the hottest milk man ever...

No, it's not some sort of homo-thing, it's just that these women keep flirting with me, and their advances are not ones that I wish to entertain. Now I know that beauty is only skin deep, and don't judge a book by its cover, but still...I mean, one lady is like, 48 years old, and she smokes weed...plus she has a son older than me. Aside from all that, she isn't really my type. You have to be at least somewhat attractive to me.

Yet and still, even though I have never given these women any sort of idea that I am interested in them, they continue to call me "baby" and "sweetheart" all the time. It's even at the point now where they are giving us free coffee and free soft drinks to us every time we go. My driver is trying to get me to flirt more often so we can get free sandwiches, but I don't think I want to entice these ladies at all.

Then, yesterday I went to lunch with my friend Richard, and I met a girl at the restaurant. It was the funniest thing. I was looking at the menu, trying to decide what to order, and she is just staring at me. I thought I had something in my nose...then she blurts out, "...So, is it nice outside?" I'm like, "...uuUhh, not really. I mean, its not warm enough to leave my coat off..." And then from there we had a little small talk. I didn't think too much of it, then she sat at the table next to us...eating on "her break"...so, I'm just like, whatever...then she starts asking me questions during the breaks between me and Richard's conversation. It was so obvious that she wanted to talk to me, but Richard was trying to "talk" to her. Eventually I talked to her about church, and she sounded interested in going, so I gave her the address to my church...and then she gave me her phone number...she said she was going on a 8 day cruise, and when she got back, she'd go to church with me...

I don't quite know how to take that...

Understanding...

Yes, I know by now y'all are tired of me going all deep on you, but I can't help it:


Understanding. It is something often reached for, but never quite grasped. The problem with my generation is the "IKE" mentality. Meaning, I Know Everything...don't trip, I even fall into this category myself, that's why I find this epiphany so ironic. Once we come into "our own" as far as knowledge is concern, we tend to lend a deaf ear to those who have wisdom on situations that you are approaching. So instead of attaching yourself to that wise individual, and soaking up their tutelage, you slight them, and turn away. The worst part about it is that we treat God the same way...he cracks open the window of Revelation, and we now think we are omniscient...he gives us one-seventh of one percent of his understanding to stand on, and we think that we can see the future of the whole world...

I'll leave you with this: Consider yourself a coin, and consider God a hand. Place the coin in your hand. Now make a fist over that coin...when you feel like your troubles are surrounding you, and you can't breathe because everything is getting too close and too tight, that is just God making a fist around you so he can fight your battles for you. You are more than a conqueror...and God always holds you in his hand. Even when you walk away, he still has your back, and he still loves you.


I hope that helps someone because it has helped me.

Take care Y'all!

Really?

Yeah, so I'm really really about to bounce out of this piece and get me some sleep...I am soooooooooo tired...I'll be ok though. It's nothing I can't handle. After my nap I have chuuuch...then some more sleep, and then off to work. Hopefully I'll have something worthwhile to talk about tomorrow...

Grandparents...

No, I'm not a grandparent, nor am I a parent. Yet in still I wonder what is going on in the heads of mine...

I went over my grandpa's house yesterday, and it was an experience to behold. They act like they haven't seen me in twenty years, and try to make me feel guilty for not coming around. I mean, they NEVER come to my house, and we live about twelve minutes away from him...then he starts telling me that I'll never amount to anything if I don't go to college...how I should have stayed in "computers" and I'll never have my own house working "crappy" jobs...I bared through it, and I'll live, but it can be very annoying.

Yeah, And?!?!?!

For whatever reason, I have been getting really agitated with people lately...I don't think that they are doing anything worse than normal...it's just the my patience has been short as of late. Hopefully it's just the change in sleeping pattern, or maybe it is just the same as before...me not being comfortable...
Plus it doesn't help that I am REALLY tired right now...I keep falling asleep...I'll be okay though, I just need some rest.
I think.
I can see daylight in my finances...I think I may be able to come into my own soon...but then what? I'm not sure...

Hey People!

What's going on Blog People! I haven't really been myself lately. I don't understand why I've been acting so weird...it's like, stuff hasn't been lining up like it should in my mind. I mean, everything else is fine. Work is cool, church is cool, my fam is fine...and my friends are cool...I don't get it...yo no se'...yeah, but I think I'm meeting Kristen again today for coffee or something...no romantic intentions, just trying to cultivate a friendship...yeah, I know...you don't believe me...whatever. I'm just kinda hype right now for some reason...I think it's the caffeine...Well, I gotta get back to Harold and Kumar go to White Castle...

Hitch...

Yeah, I just watched Hitch...at the movie theater...

It was really good. The only thing that bothered me is I drew way too many parallels to myself...It was unnerving. I mean, if you have seen the movie, the way he talks to his clients is the way I think...and then I started to wonder if I really believe the stuff I say to myself. I mean, I know I have a couple scars here and there, but am I trying to mend them with female affection? I'm not sure. True enough, I did go see this movie with Schantelle...but that was it, we just watched a movie...all it is is a movie...right? I guess.

Well...I hope my mind clears up by tonight...

Best. Milk Man. Ever.

...not saying that I am, but I did hear about an interesting fellow that use to work at the dairy...


There was this guy, and he was all juiced up on steroids, and he would always proclaim the "fact" that he was the "Best Milk Man Ever!" I thought it was a joke...but it wasn't. Any time he had some sort of difficulty with some of his co-workers, he would always go back to his favorite saying, "You're just jealous because I'm the best milk man ever!!!" Quite a unique individual. Eventually the guys wanted him to quit, because he was really annoying and a very large pain, so they would pour a mini bottle of Drakkar into his seat every night until he refused to drive his truck anymore, then due to insubordination, he was fired...

...so remember:

If you are the "Best Milk Man Ever" make sure you like Drakkar...

I'm not sure...

I've been feeling a little odd lately...


I guess I'm okay, but I'm not feeling it. I mean, I got a nice card from Lanese, Schantelle left me a nice message on V'day, and I went to lunch with Kristen yesterday...The last had no romantic intention, but it was nice just the same. I am making twice as much as I did at DG...I'm making moves so I can move out...and my car is doing fine...I am even getting benefits next month...

So what's wrong???

I'm not sure...


What more do I want? I'm getting good, clean attention...I talk to someone who stimulates my mind...so what is the problem???

My poetry is even flowing...

I'm not sure what else I need.

Hopefully I'll be fine...

Mind Flow...

Well, work is work, so with that I am satisfied for now. As far as anything else, I'm not too sure. I mean, I am happy...well, content with what I'm doing right now; but I still don't feel right. I am making a feeble attempt at dating, and it is going fine...but I think due to circumstances played out by both parties, we got too into each other way too fast. Gotta cool your jets...don't want to burn out or run out of gas...but yeah...

My bank account is getting healthy again, losing that anorexic look...


I just posted like, seven or so poems on my poetry page yesterday. It was fulfilling. More so than what I thought it would be. I need to release that side of me more often...at church on my B-Day I freestyled a poem...it wasn't all that great to me, but to the audience, well, some cried. They were moved. I mean, right after I did that, they did alter call because the spirit was so high...kinda showed me that what I think is good doesn't always matter.

...On the other hand, me and my guy John have been making some HEAT in the lab. I mean, I'm a harsh critic, and these tracks we made are hot for real for real...I'm not saying that we are the new Neptunes...but hey...

I spoke with a friend that I haven't talked to in a long time, and they told me some things about myself that I never thought they noticed. I mean, a lot of stuff, in detail...all good stuff, but I just didn't think they cared enough to notice. It was kind of refreshing.

Other than that, nothing is really going on...

I'm your Pusha...

Well, the milk job is runnin' fine, I just need to schedule in some nap time!!! I'll post more tomorrow, I'm at John's house making some tracks in the lab, but I'll comment more on my life tomorrow...Did I tell y'all that I get free orange juice and eggs and stuff from work? What an odd perk, right?

Hide and Seek

...this movie is tripped out. For anyone that has seen it, I don't think the ending is as predictable as some people say...but it was good. More of a suspense thriller...I thought i would have some kind of deep connection to it, and break down stuff in it, but if i did, it would ruin the movie...so if you want to know what i think about something, just ask me a question about it if you have seen it...but I would recommend it if you like intellectual movies...

Isn't it Ironic?

Well, I'm "sad" to say that I have pretty much called it quits at the good old DG...(Dollar General). The thing is though, I would have never got the job with Muller-Pinehurst if it wasn't for me talking to the guy who delivered the milk to the store. You have to admit that the situation of me finding a new job at my current job is rather humorous. Anyway, not much else is on the horizon...I turn 22 on Friday...nothing planned. More than likely I'll just go hang out with some friends after work. I watched White Noise last week, and that was horrible. "Worst. Movie. Ever." I mean, cinematically speaking, it was ok, but other than that, it was horribly bad...

I already got my first birthday card...it was from Lanese...I was kinda tickled when I saw it...it made me blush...which isn't hard to do, I am kinda high-yellow.

Things really feel like they are coming together...now only if I can get this whole "healing" thing down, I'd be all set...

Pushing Milk like Crates...

Yeah, well, I know I already have two jobs, but is that really enough??? I guess not, because now I am going to be a milk man...


Yes, a milk man. I know what you're thinking...no, I will not have on a white outfit going door-to-door...I will be delivering milk to different stores...not too bad...good pay...

We'll see how this pans out...

The Aviator

Well, I saw The Aviator...it was a good movie. Left me in a bit of a disarray. Well, he had some sort of disorder, I forget which one it is, and he just gets so compulsive that he goes completely insane. I felt bad for him...I mean, his mother set up this type of behavior about "being clean" when he was a child because of all of the diseases that when rapid in his childhood...but they simply overpowered him. It appeared as if he sold his soul at an early age, and he was being tormented by the demons around him because of it. Startling to say the least...but it was well shot. They borrowed the "Hell's Angels" review scene from A Clockwork Orange, but other than that, it was a good picture. The roles were played very well...you felt like you were actually watching Hughes go through his life, ups and downs, instead of just watching a docudrama...nevertheless, it was a good movie.

...after the show its the after-party...

yah yah whatever...I know it's another Jay-Z influenced title...but I'll be ok.


there really isn't much on the horizon right now. I just found a decent site to download movies from again...that was nice. Other than that, I'm not to interesting...

well, here is something:

what is it with underage girls tryin to talk to me? I mean, I know I'm not that old, (22), but I have gone the extra effort and gone without my mach 3 for about ten days...I even showed some chest hair yesterday...And this little 17 year-old still gave me her number...I threw it away, but hey, I looked old! I guess it is a pleasant change from old ladies tryin' to talk to me...

I don't know what it is, I think I have too much on my mind sometimes throughout my day. It's weird. like I live in "The Wonder Years ptII" or something. I think I put so much pressure on myself that I syke myself out and lose hope, or even faith in what I'm doing. I slowly punk myself and lose what it is that I'm suppose to keep up with for others. I mean, I'm not saying that I'm not responsible...but I just lose focus sometimes. I mean, you can only focus in on one thing...everything else is along the path to what you are focused on...

on another note:

Someone recently told me that hickeys can lead to cancer...is that true?

What more can I say?

Well...things aren't going to bad as of late. I'm a little fatigued at the moment, but I'll live. I haven't really been up to much lately...just working and church like normal. The only thing that has changed is that I talk to a friend of mine every night: Lanese. I like her. I mean, I went on one date with her, it was fun, but I really haven't made a fair assessment as to what are relationship is going to involve, but I feel like I'm already involved. Weird, huh? As for Camo Soul, we had an art show last week on Thursday. It went well. I wasn't there, but it went well. I feel like I will be pursuing my "inventions" with more fervor soon...I'm going to start building my credit back up, and hopefully go into real estate investment. We'll see. The fast is cool...no meat no juice is kinda rough, but again, I'll be ok. I've been finding some unstartling things out about myself that I didn't know was still there. I'm still sad about how I treated my ex and how that relationship dissolved...I'm still sad about how I treated girls in high school...I didn't know that I haven't allowed myself to heal from that, and I have been just displacing it. I wasn't aware. Now that I know, I don't quite know what it is that I'm going to do. I know that I don't need to rush things with anyone right now. I know that I need to be able to sustain on my own. I need a real job...

...but I'll be ok. I haven't had too much creativity flowing through me lately. I don't know what's up with that. I don't quite know what I feel right now...maybe a little bit panicked...but that's about it. I don't think that I need to right a poem about that.

yeah, I'm still fasting, and i put together a desk...

I am at a friend's house of mine, and now I feel SO accomplished because I just put together a computer desk for them...it took like 45 minutes, but it was cool...

The fast is a trip...I don't think that I will eat another chicken salad for the rest of my life...

Other than that I'm cool...I'm still working at both jobs, and well, I'm getting tired of it...but I'm thinking about selling cars to people who want those "hot Japanese Imports..."

Wow...this was an eventful break...

Well, Christmas and New Year's was fine. One of my boys came up from Harvey to see me on New Year's Eve...we had fun. I hadn't really spent time with him like that since we were kids...

That was the easy part.

I wrote about this girl on my site a while back, her name is will be, "the one we do not speak of"...She called me one night and told me she was back in town. The next day we went to the mall, to the beach...we spent the whole day together...just talking. It was great. She went to church with me, she even liked it, and she took notes! Everything was looking good; until I prayed about her and God told me I shouldn't date her, she need me to be her friend. That hurt, but I had to do what I had to do...so as quick as it started, it was over. Then I talked to Kristen, and I figured that I better just leave her alone as a friend also. She's way too busy, and she doesn't seem like she is to into me...then there is someone else I met, Lanese...

Man, she is mad cool...I talked to her on the phone longer than I have EVER talked to anyone. She just put out this real, and comfortable vibe...it was nice. I'm still going to pray about her, but right now. I am feeling her. I don't know. I still need to get my affairs in order, but I do want to date her. That isn't bad, is it?

Other than that, I'm cool. I'm on a fast right now, and it's going pretty good...haven't eaten anything bad yet, but I'm growing tired of the same stuff all of the time.

I'll fill you in...

Well, it has been a very eventful break to say the least. I got a lot of great gifts for Christmas, I kinda dated someone for a while, then broke it off, and lost 15 pounds...but I really don't have time to elaborate, but I will tell you about it Wednesday...