...wow....
This movie was a trip. The guy, Josh, ends up fighting in his memory to keep his thoughts from being deleted about his girl, Clementine. He changed his mind about getting her deleted, but it was too late. He saved just enough in his mind to know where to meet her again the next day and start over. It was really touching. I think I would actually like to buy this movie, and watch it again just to better analyze it...
Have you heard of this movie? It's an interesting concept...to have someone completely erased from your memory. Is there someone that I would want totally erased from my memory, I could say yes, but then, I wouldn't have any type of learning experience from the situation...they say that ignorance is bliss, but is it truly bliss if you relive the exact situation because you haven't already gone through it? It would take a large amount of pain to take someone to that level. What if they erased too much? What if I wanted the memory back? It's not something that I want to even think about too hard...just like with Vanilla Sky, would you rather live in a dream world that you know is a dream world, or would you want to wake up and see what is really going on in the real world...I'm not sure...back to my original question path...what if you found out that someone got you erased from their memory? Would you want them erased out of your mind too? I don't know...it's kinda weird. I think it would bother me terribly if someone erased me out of their memory...
I know that I don't like Wesley Snipes all that much...I mean, the whole thing with Halle and him kinda burned me up, but he can make killing vampires look really entertaining...I just started watching Blade Trinity...so far it's a good movie...
I've been sick for almost a full six days now. This is really bugging me. Usually I might be sick for about three days, maybe four...but not six. I have too much to do, too much to pay to be sick right now. I'm still going to work at both of my jobs, but having to cough or blow my nose is agitating...my eyes get hot...sometimes I think I may be able to set things on fire by glaring it over...whatever, I'll be ok.
So, I know that I have been complaining lately about the whole, "I'm driving again, so now I'm cute..." but it is still bothering me. Yesterday I had a conversation with two different women about how much they like me. This is almost an overwhelmingly obvious attack at me, trying to throw me off course...but I don't know. I KNOW I would be complaining if no one noticed me, but still...I don't know. My orientation starts tomorrow at 7:00am, and I'm kind of excited. Hopefully it will be a good job, and it will allow me to do what I have to do with my money...other than that, I'm fine. Christmas is coming up, and everyone in my family is SO EXPENSIVE to shop for...I'm a little worried about that. Plus finding time to shop...oh wow, am I looking forward to that.
There is something new that I have realized about life. I already recognized that God will always give you a way out of a situation, but he will also bring someone in to your life that you can assist with advice that not only helps the person, but it also helps you out. I've met a young lady on the internet that is phenomenal, but she is running into these "characters" that toy around with her life leading her into confusing mind-games that lead to no positive ending. I mean, men are always complaining about how "There are no good girls left out there..." but yet in still, they are always making a mess out of the women that they run across. Don't they realize that it took someone to meet and confuse the good girls so they end up in a jumbled mess??? For some reason I always run into these young women who have been through the most horrible things, and they always seem to tell me about them in full detail. I feel so bad for these females, and I really try to help them out, but there is never going to be a way for me to fix them back up...that is something that they have to do for themselves with God...but anyway, I use to feel so bad for them, and then I use to ask, "Where are all of the good girls at?" I had to realize that they are out there, and until I have been repaired from the damage that I put myself through, I won't be able to do anything but bring the other person down that I am interested in. That is the way people work, whether they like it or not. So I guess I'm just saying this to all the "good girls": Be Careful. There are a lot of guys out there that project this great image of themselves as a really wholesome, caring, and endearing individual...but they are really a low down dog...and I know this, I mean, I did it...although it wasn't intentional. Just stay prayed up, or however you say that, and stay strong...your man will come through when you are both ready for a healthy relationship.
Well, I know it's kinda late to be writing about Thanksgiving Day, but it took me a while to debate whether or not to talk about it...
Thanksgiving Day was cool, kinda chill though. I ate dinner with my parents, and my grandma came over and brought some greens and her sweet potato pies...Everything was good, but right after dinner was over, I ran downstairs and changed clothes so I can go over to Kristen's house for Thanksgiving "Dessert"... Yeah, I just said dessert, but before I get into that, let me explain who Kristen is.
Kristen is a friend that I met in January of last year. It was kind of an accidental meeting through a mutual acquaintance, but I met her none the less...any way, I have been in contact with her since. Nothing too major. I just would talk to her while at school and I would talk to her on the telephone. I mean, I would've taken her out, but I was on the bus...my license was suspended at that time...but yeah, I told her that I was interested in her, but I wanted to take the time to get to know her better...
So, I got dressed, grabbed the two bottles of non-alcoholic chardonnay that I bought the night before and raced out the door. It took me about twenty minutes to find her house, but it should have only took ten. I finally found a parking spot, and walked up to her door. Her house looked like something that belonged in an episode of "Leave it to Beaver", but it wasn't corny...I looked to my left as I walked in and saw a full-blown dining room table spread. The turkey was even in the center of the table...I didn't think that people really do the whole table spread like that, but it did look nice. Her mom was busy cleaning off the table; she fit the house, a black June Cleaver...she had the apron on and the whole nine. She smiled and thanked me for the bottles, checked to make sure that they weren't alcohol, and she retrieved her daughter. When Kristen swept through the hall, she had a huge smile on her face. I greeted her, and then the introductions began. I think I shook all of the hands in the house...but then we came around to her father. I think that she purposely introduced me to him last so he could have time to get caught up in an after-dinner conversation with one of his friends. So it wasn't quite as bad as I thought it would be. I did really enjoy myself very much at her house. I talked a lot with her brother, who is one year older than me, and I met her older sister, who is like, 27. They are cool people...but that really didn't surprise me. I figured they would all carry the same basic traits, and they do. They are all very intelligent, hard working, and interesting. I do think that I really like her though...I just don't really know where I want to take her though. I mean, I could do something normal, like go to the movies, or take her to dinner, or both...but I want to do something special with her. I mean, I really like her...but I don't know. I guess I will figure out something.
It seems like I have been waiting for months to be able to go out and chill with some friends...but when I finally did it, it wasn't all that great. Don't get me wrong, I did enjoy myself, but I thought it was going to be better than that. One night, I went to see "Fade to Black" that Jay-Z movie...it was good for what it was...and then we ate some pizza. Not too action packed, but it was good to get out and laugh with my peers. The next time I went out I stopped by a friend's house, talked, went to a basketball game, and went home...again not too much going on, but enjoyable. I guess the thing is, I don't quite know what I was expecting. It's not like every time I went out something mind-blowing occurred, but after being a recluse for five months I began to expect more out of my "chill time." I guess that wasn't fair of me. Oh well...
Maybe I'm over reacting. Maybe it's a coincidence. Or maybe not...
It seems that ever since I've gotten my license back, I've been seeing these girls at bus stops eyeballing me. Hard. This morning I stopped to get some gas up the street from my house, and on the way back, I noticed this girl standing at the bus stop. Now I knew I had seen her before, I mean, I just stopped taking the bus this week, and I see her every Thursday over at CLC when I'm at work. Usually she doesn't pay me any attention, but now all of a sudden, as soon as I walk in she says with a smile, "I saw you this morning..." I mean, I know she saw me, I stopped at the stop sign she was standing by...I mean, I don't know her name, she doesn't know mine, but she seemed hurt that I didn't give her a ride to the school I work at...I just didn't think it would be too comfortable driving some chick I don't know somewhere in my car. Plus, I did think about giving her a ride, but she didn't wave and I didn't think she would just hop in the car with some dude that she didn't know. I guess she'll get over it.
I've been complaining to myself and to my mother that I have nothing to write about as far as my poetry is concerned...but I'm not sure if I enjoy what I'm writing about. I thought for a while that maybe my writing of current events was giving me nothing to talk about, but that really isn't the case. The only thing that really gives me inspiration to write is when I'm having some sort of internal conflict...and that in turn causes pain, or some other type of discomfort. I don't quite enjoy it, but I do enjoy the release that my writing allows me to experience. It isn't crazy, so don't think that. It's not like I enjoy going through difficult times just so I can write poetry, that isn't the case. It's just that the only way people in general can appreciate what is bestowed upon them is to have either something bad happen to them, or have whatever that is taken away from them. Sort of the same as the whole balance between good and evil. I use to have this big personal conflict with the existence of Satan. I didn't really understand why he was even around...then I started to understand that God already knew that Lucifer was going to fall, and that was part of the reason behind his creation. For no one can really appreciate God unless they have something to compare it to. Sort of like you don't appreciate being rich unless you have been poor/middle class. Or you don't appreciate a good cook until you have dined on the results from a bad cook...but on another note, I REALLY ENJOY HAVING BACK MY LICENSE!!!
Guess what??? I was admitted into the emergency room on Saturday...I was worried because I thought I was going to die...I was having these "episodes" where I would feel a "knocking" inside of my chest. I didn't know what it was, and it has been going on for about six weeks...so I was starting to worry to say the least. While I was there, I really felt like I was wasting my time. The nurse was a butthole, and I reported him to the Nursing manager, or whatever you want to call it...I pretty much wasted $100 of my money...all I have to show for it is a wristband and some paperwork...no more information than when I went in, other than the fact that I'm not going to die...so I guess that is one positive out of the bunch...
Well it's been forever since I wrote in this thing, so I might as well play catch up. I've been so busy between my production company, selling shoes and throwback jerseys, and designing a website for a couple of different endeavors...I need a break. Plus tomorrow I'm going to traffic court. I really hope it goes well. I need my license back so I can get a better job. Speaking of jobs, why do all the new people want to freakin' steal from Dollar General??? Are they retarded? I mean, the MOST EXPENSIVE THING THERE IS A $50 SWIMMING POOL!!! Plus, the registers have been coming up short, like $20 here, $35 there...I don't know about these people. As long as they don't look my way, I'll be ok. Hopefully after I get my license back, I'll be able to take one of my friends out on a date. She embodies what I look for: she's smart, ambitious, funny, Christian, and she's REALLY cute. I just want to get to know her better...I mean, I'm not even sure if she likes me like that...I don't know. But I can't find out without a license. By the way, girls I met years ago are starting to see me at work, and they speak, but I don't remember their names. For instance, one girl I went to high school with came into the store the other day and spoke to me, but I didn't remember her name. I remember now that her name was Stacey, and she was voted "Best Body" in her graduating class, but I never really spoke to her in school...She was a Senior when I was a sophomore. I wanted to talk to her, but I never did...until she came into the store. I talked to her for about 20 minutes, but I couldn't remember her name to save my life. At least she didn't know...but I still felt bad.
I REALLY don't have too much on my mind right now other than the business ventures I'm involved with. I mean, it takes up most of my time when I am at work online...It's cool and everything, but I don't think it should consume most of my time. I don't know. But at least I don't have anything to complain about. And, this time last year, I had no aspirations to go into a business venture, let alone multiple ventures...
Sometimes, I just don't know what is going on in my head. Like right now, I'm considering doing some work with this artist I met. He draws in a similar fashion as I do, but with a little more anime influenced styling tacked on. We talked, he seems cool...I might go ahead and do some work with him. And on the other side, I'm in the talks with a local coffee house on doing a website for them. Granted, I didn't design this one, but I could have. I'm also still working with another business partner on a label that we're coming out with, CamoSoul. I can say it now that there is a patent on it...and it has been established with the BBB...so, I'm a little preoccupied. Plus, I'm still working on being a published poet. It's going to happen in the soon future, it's just the anticipation of the thing that bothers me. I don't know. That's all I can say right now. I'm still designing a logo for my personal company that I haven't quite decided what it is going to be. I may just do t-shirts and other stuff of that nature...possibly jackets and hats...I'm not sure yet. We'll see...no one ever said that decision making is easy, or at least I think no one has ever said that...
You know, I'm fine with being by myself right now...although it can be difficult at times. But, it seems like even if I wanted to have a relationship, the only ones that seem interested are either 35 and up, or my age with four kids. Don't get me wrong, I can understand the hardships of being a single mom, and I can almost understand having a kid by accident, but having FOUR by accident? Come on!!! Then I have had a 27, 38, 42, and a 44 year old want to "have a relationship" with me. I don't know what type of relationship they expect, especially when I want to get married and have kids. The 27 year old, well, she's ok, but I can't really understand her all the time when she talks. She's Hispanic and has a REALLY thick accent, and isn't always grammatically correct, so sometimes it is hard to decipher what she is saying. I still don't really want a relationship right now, I really don't have the time to devote to a relationship right now. I'm still getting my affairs in order. I think it is better to be "by myself" and a work in progress than to be with someone and have them feel neglected. It's just kinda frustrating to have all of these opportunities but they are all kinda bad, you know? Even if I did have all of my stuff together, the only one that I could possibly date would be the 27 year old, and even with her I don't really have too much to talk to her about. We really don't have anything in common. Plus, she is a party girl. She likes to go out, drink, dance, and whatever...I'm not really into that scene. I don't drink anymore, I was never really a club person, so what are we going to do? I guess this is just a way of reminding me that I am a desirable person, and when my time comes along, I'll be able to find someone that is on my level...besides, if this wasn't happening, I'd probably be complaining about no one being interested in me...
I just ordered his live CD off of his website and it is great...simple, but great. It's just him singing and playing the piano. I do recommend it to anyone who enjoys NeoSoul, or stuff of that nature...
You know, I have said from time to time that I'm really busy nowadays...I have my two jobs, church, I'm revamping my resume' to apply for a "for real" job with benefits...I'm trying to keep up my house...there is a lot to do, oh yeah, and I have to REST sometimes...I heard that it helps sustain life along with food and water...but some people don't get that. Just because I don't call my friends every day doesn't mean that I don't care about them...I am 21 years old, I don't sell or smoke crack, I don't have thirteen babies, and I'm obviously not in jail...but I DO have matters to attend to. So EXCUSE ME FOR HAVING A LIFE!!! I'm not a social worker, I'm not a counselor, I'm not a psychologist...If I was, I'd make much more money than I do now...so why is it such a BIG DEAL that I don't call all of my friends all of the time??? MOST OF THEM understand that I actually have AFFAIRS TO GET IN ORDER!!! Come on with the pity party crap! I understand that we all need people to talk to, people to give you advice...but sometimes you have to remember that the only two people you will always have to help you are Jesus and yourself. Putting your faith in men will always lead to downfall...but you know that already, don't you??? That's what you always say...I was going to say your name, but it really isn't necessary...you know who you are. If you don't, then too bad...you just need to understand that just because you made some retarded comments to me doesn't mean that I don't want to talk to you anymore, I'm just really busy. Yeah, you pissed me off when you said what you said, and I don't agree with what you said, and I STILL think you were wrong for hanging up on my mother, which you did...my mom is not slow, she can tell when someone is sitting there breathing on the phone...I STILL think you were wrong for sleeping with my friend...and no it's not jealousy, I've been with you in the past, I'm not with you now, it really doesn't matter as far as that is concerned, but I do know that from your past experiences that you CAN'T HANDLE SEX!!! You always have a blowout with the person, sometimes immediately, sometimes much later, but you always have some sort of blowout. I remember you saying the same type of stuff about Tim, saying to yourself that you didn't have to love him to sleep with him...you can't lie to yourself for very long...and I hope you do realize that is the year 2004, and people DO catch STDs...they are real. But you know that already...and since you say you don't feel bad anymore, think about this...there is story in the bible, old testament, and again, I'm sure you already know, about two sisters...one was a harlot, but she didn't know any better...her younger sister saw the ways of the older, and still became a harlot just like her, but far worse. Eventually, God turned her over to her sin, and she was murdered...Now, I'm not saying you are following behind someone else, I'm not saying that you are a harlot, and I'm not saying that you are going to be murdered...but what I am saying is that the younger sister knew better, as do you know better, so because of that, God eventually said, "I guess she doesn't care anymore..." and let her go out on her own, without his covering on her, and she lost her life...you need to repent, be sorry for what you have done, mend up your life, renew your life with Christ, and your situation will brighten...but you know that already. And just as a sidenote: If you know how to spell my name, then why did you spell it wrong twice? Also, I left it as maybe you don't know how to edit your posts after you post them...but you have since revised another post you did just after the one about my mother...so obviously you don't care enough to even go back and fix the title...How would you feel I named this post "The Dayerden Chronicles" or something just as stupid...I don't think you would like that...you don't even like it when someone who DOESN'T EVEN KNOW YOU misspells your name. And your name isn't even a common one. Most people would misspell your name simply based on the fact that they thought it was an error...Come on now...and you wonder why that bothered me?
P.S. I don't know who wrote that bullet comment, and I don't agree with them either...that was really bogus...
What is the big deal about status? Everyone either wants it, or they are bragging about it to someone else. Whether it's church, work, or even in small-talk, someone is always talking about their own personal status. Then, after the initial introduction of the topic, the other person tries to say that their status is higher, or better...It's annoying. I read once that the wisest man of all is the one that truly believes that he knows nothing. This is very true, but one should also realize that if you must proclaim your position to everyone, it must not hold as much weight as you think...or that you just have low self-esteem. Maybe one day people will realize that life isn't all about them, it's about your role and true destiny, then fulfilling it. Not that my Excursion is better than your Escalade...or my island is better than your penthouse. You know? Then you also have the people that think they can do everything because they are good at a couple things. For instance, just because my father is a musician, does that mean he can build a suspension bridge? No...but people with egos the size of Nebraska think they can...I don't get it...maybe I'm not suppose to get it, but it get frustrating sometimes.
On a sidenote:
The Real World SUCKS this year!!! I should've been on the cast for Philly. They need someone with some sense on the show...maybe that is one of the requirements now, have no sense...oh well...
I have been meaning to post this a LONG time ago...This particular website, and its readings, have been helping me along with my spiritual growth. There is a wealth of knowledge available from the teachings in the books that he makes available on his site. I hope that it helps some of you all as it has helped me. Also, check out bible.com and dictionary.com...those two sites help for getting Greek and Hebrew translations and it'll help you define words or acronyms that you may not know...
I just took the Color Quiz...I'm wondering if they are right...
Here are the results:
Your Existing Situation
Insecure. Seeks roots, stability, emotional security, and an environment providing greater ease and fewer problems.
Your Stress Sources
Delights in the tasteful, the gracious, and the sensitive, but maintains his attitude of critical appraisal and refuses to be swept off his feet unless genuineness and integrity can be absolutely vouched for. Therefore keeps a strict and watchful control on his emotional relationships as he must know exactly where he stands. Demands complete sincerity as a protection against his own tendency to be too trusting.
Your Restrained Characteristics
Circumstances are such that he feels forced to compromise for the time being if he is to avoid being cut off from affection or from full participation.
The situation is preventing him from establishing himself, but he feels he must make the best of things as they are.
Your Desired Objective
Seeks affectionate, satisfying and harmonious relationships. Desires an intimate union, in which there is a love, self-sacrifice and mutual trust.
Your Actual Problem
Needs to protect himself against his tendency to be too trusting, as he finds it is liable to be misunderstood or exploited by others. Is therefore seeking a relationship providing peaceful and understanding intimacy, and in which each knows exactly where the other stands.
I feel like an old man. I already have a set routine. I wake up, get ready, go to one job, go to the other, then go home. I go to church twice a week, but that's it. I don't go out. Ever. I mean, I do have the occasional outing with my parents or my grandma, or both; but other than that, nothing. It gets depressing sometimes. Not that I want to go out and party it up or anything. I just haven't really been anywhere. Haven't seen my friends outside of church functions in months. I know why it is like this, but it still isn't something that I like. I don't know anymore. I don't really know anything. I have an understanding for certian subject matters, or even some situations, but I don't know anything. It's hard to realize that sometimes.
I'm here at College of Lake County, doing nothing like always...but the whole Dollar General thing is still bothering me. They told me now that I have nothing to worry about, but this cat is still not fired yet. Come On!!! Now we all KNOW that if my black butt stole a Reese's Cup, I mean a singular cup, I'd be in prison with Simon Adebisi from HBO's Oz. But, that's neither here nor there. I don't want to say they are "protecting their own" but it sure looks like it. At least the blame isn't on me like it was before.
At my fantastic job at Dollar General, I am now the cashier when it's an all-guy shift. They say it's because I have better people skills, but I think it's because they just don't like "cashiering," if that's even a noun...but anyway, I was at the register. At the end of the day, the old manager said that both my drawer and his brother's girlfriend's drawer were even, (isn't that kinda suspicious that she works for her boyfriend's brother???), but the petty cash was short by fifty dollars. So, since it wasn't short from my register, I left and went home. The next day I came in, and the new manager said that Brian, (the old manager), said that my drawer was short fifty dollars...I KNEW I didn't take the money, so I wasn't worried. It just concerned me that this was brought to me like that...I told her what went down the other night before I left, told her that his brother is in rehab, so the girlfriend is coming up short for rent money, and I also told her that he said before I left that I was not short, and to not worry about it. So she reviewed the tape with my suggestion, (I mean, I had nothing to hide, so why not?), she saw that I did not take any money from the register, so I was in the clear...and that's good, but still. That guy is a racist liar, so I'm really not feeling him at all right now. I know I'm still suppose to forgive, but I really won't forget this.
I am feeling a little better about having my schedule maxed out. I mean, it could always be worse. I have two jobs, I have friends, and I am comfortable right now. My "holiday" wasn't too fantastic. I stayed home all day until it was time for me to go to work at Dollar General. I believe that Dollar General has a really, intricate management selection process. I believe that they either get people that either have had absolutely no retail experience at all or just people who flunked out of micro-management school. They have no concept of how to schedule people ahead of time. The schedule doesn't usually come out until one day after the schedule is supposed to start. For instance, my schedule for this week was suppose to come out on Thursday, it started on Saturday, but hopefully, I will find out what it is on Tuesday when I get in. They have no concept of what it is to call people to let them know their hours have been cut, and usually when you are scheduled, they only have a very VAUGUE idea of what it is they wanted you to do. But other than that, it's nice. Well, if I don't mind getting paid thirty-five cents a day. Well, like I said, it could be worse.
At least I'm shaving the debt I have away nickel by nickel. My battles with myself are getting better. After each round, I have less blood to mop up that came out of my spirit man. The thing that makes the fight so difficult is that it seems like my flesh never gets tired...I probably lost most of you by now, but that's okay...Just know that I have more faith in my future now than I've ever had, and that's cool...
I go to Christian Faith Fellowship Church in Zion, Illinois. It's a great place to go for fellowship, worship, and most of all, for the Pastoral leadership. But, just like anywhere else, it does have its drawbacks. One is this: My friend Isaiah is an International student here on a Student Visa, they agreed to pay for his schooling, and now they are backing out. I am really upset about this...this is ridiculous...they knew what they were signing up for when they brought him here...what's the deal? I don't want to see him go back. I was just wondering if there was anything that I could do. I don't have the money to pay for his classes, but there has to be something that I could do...like some type of fundraiser. He needs four thousand a semester, which isn't that bad for a pre-med student, but still... If anyone knows of any International Student scholarship, or if even anyone knows where he can get a job that will pay "under the table" in the Waukegan/Zion/North Chicago area...that would be most appreciated. He REALLY NEEDS the money...
Now, don't label me a hater. I'm really not. He is a successful person, if you call what he has success...
Anyway, I'm guessing that most of you have seen the video that he put out last summer called Tip Drill. I really REALLY hated that video because of his blatent degradation of women, and their willingness to do what they did on a video. I mean, it's wrong if you do that in private, let alone in a music video that millions will see. Imagine your grandparents or your parents seeing that video of YOU doing those same things, or even going to a job interview and the interviewer remembers seeing you in that NASTY video...but that isn't what I was going to talk about originally...I wanted to clown his new song. I don't know if you have heard it or not...but even Chris Rock had to make fun of this song...Drop down, and Get your Eagle On! Are you SERIOUS?!?!?! That is the most ridiculous song...and people are going to buy that crap...I should make a CD out of all the most ridiculous songs ever made and call it Urban Hip-Hop Joints...I bet people would buy it...
I know it may seem kind of obvious, but it's true. You have to own up to your destiny. You have to fulfill your purpose here, or your life has existed for naught. Why am I saying this again? Well, most of the time, I try to avoid what it is that I am meant to do; only out of fear. Fear of failure, fear of not being the right type of person, and fear of just not being good enough. Some may say, "Why did you say failure and then follow that up with not being good enough?" Well, because failing implies that you were completely unsuccessful. Just like if you started a business, and didn't make any money. On the other hand, not being good enough, to me that means that you are able to carry out the task at hand, but not enough to be considered a success. Just like starting that business, and breaking even, or "Just gettin' by..." That's not good enough. If I'm going to be a leader, I must first be an instructor. (Editor's note: If you research the word instructor, it means "boy leader" or an apprentice.) If I'm to be an instructor, I have to have a mentor or a teacher to guide me, as I guide others. Teach me and instill in me what it takes to be one who is an influential leader to many and to few. Now I just have to start!?!?!?
Oh well...
You know, it seems that I begin to realize more and more everyday that most people want to be involved with someone. Don't get me wrong, I would like to be with someone, but this is really not the right time for me...but yeah, everyone wants to hook up. The ladies want to have meaningful relationships, and the guys want someone to play around with; for lack of better words. Yet, what most people fail to realize is that you have to be intimate with yourself before you can include another person. No, I don't mean that you must touch yourself...I just mean you need to really get to know yourself. And you need to learn how to REALLY handle your business. I guess that's not exciting enough for most people though. Oh well...
What is wrong with people? Do they think signs are decorations? I've told about three different people that it costs twenty-five cents to print a page that is not school related. Meaning, not homework from a class at this particular college. Why is that such a hard idea to understand? There are signs all over the lab, plus there is a sign on the monitor, right above the screen. Then, there is even a sign on the wallpaper of the computer! I don't get it.
I've got another 14 hour day in progress...and I am REALLY SLEEPY. I didn't even stay on the phone late last night. I don't get it. Oh well...on another note, my co-worker and I are making up a top 50, or top 100 hottest women...Neither one of us agreed with the list that Maxim just put out, so we are going to compare lists. I'm up to about 61 right now, and I really can't think of another 39. I mean, I could, but I'd be lying, because even though they are pretty, I wouldn't really like them. I guess I'll post the list if anyone is interested. Most of the people on it are common celebrities, but some are not...so, it's an interesting list...Stay Tuned...
I've been working like a Hebrew slave for the past couple of weeks, but I'm ok. I made it through. So I'm fine. But, I haven't had time to update my blog, sketch out my ideas, or even talk to my friends. It's a little saddening. Hopefully they understand though. Well, I did find a building that I can afford to buy. I don't know if I will though. I'll need to do a little more research on the prices of insurance and taxes on the property. We'll see.
I haven't had too much time anymore to do anything with my website. I'm neglecting it I guess... i'm sorry...
Well, there hasn't even been too much going on to talk about...I go to work. I go home. I'll talk on the phone, and sleep...that is a decent summary of what I do everyday. I need to go out. I mean, something with an entertainment value. Not just work, home, and then Church. Church isn't bad or anything, it's just that is the only other place I really go...Well, maybe I should just be thankful that I CAN go to church. Oh well...I am sleepy...I may catch a nap here at work...
I have another site that is dedicated to the things that I enjoy. Some of the stuff you may have heard of, some of it you may not have heard of...but you still may want to check it out...
http://trysomethingnew.blogspot.com
I have my state id, and my social is in the mail...along with my new debit card. Ahhh...relief. Well, I'm really hoping that this third job I'm trying to get pans out. If it does, it will mean a debt-free lifestyle by October. That's really good. I've noticed that I'm learning something new all the time now. Even with what I say and do; I'm learning from that stuff also. I guess I should have learned how to do that a long time ago, but hey, I still learned it. The girl who works next door is starting to talk to me more and more...I guess she finally figured out that I'm not trying to get with her, so she loosened up some...oh well. Oh yeah, her name is Julie...I just didn't want to say, "some girl." I thought that would have been bogus.
I'm doing well, considering the circumstances...I lost my wallet the other day, and replacing the missing items can be difficult. But I will be ok. Other than that, not to much is on my mind right now...I guess I'll write something in later.
I have two jobs. It really isn't fun. I'm tired all the time, and sleepy all the time. I don't get time to just rest and relax...plus the pay isn't all that hot. But I'm working. I'm healthy. I'm alive...those are things to be thankful for...Sometimes it can be hard to put a positive spin on things; but if you always focus on the negative, you will be down all of the time. That REALLY isn't healthy. Oh well...another day, another dollar. Another chance to fulfill your purpose.
I lost my wallet...doesn't that suck? I don't know where it is. More than likely, I sat it down after the last purchase I made, and no one said anything to me about it. There was only ten dollars in my wallet at the time, and if someone has it, they never bothered to use my debit card...but that is a good thing. Now I need a new social security card, and a new state id...I'll be fine. At least I didn't lose a lot of money.
It could be worse...but it isn't. So I'm happy.
Well, I left here (CLC) last night at around five...went in to my other job at Dollar General and worked until ten. I was "suppose" to ride home with a co-worker of mine named Donna...but her car was being driven by her boyfriend that night, his name was Bernie, or Benny, or something... Anyway, whatever his name is, he was drunk. Not buzz drunk, like superhero drunk. You know, like if someone told him that he'd get special powers if he was drunk, so he put forth effort to achieve the level of drunkardness that he was at...so yeah, he was drunk. When we got outside she told him to get in the other seat...meanwhile, he is fascinated by me. He said, "Who's the nigger? Wow, you're a big nigger! Nigger, nigger, nigger...etc. I heard the word so much, that I wasn't even mad. I just felt bad that his life was so pathetic that he had to do that to feel better. I just hope that they are ok...her and her dumb boyfriend. The thing that got me though, you would've thought I woulda jumped on this man, and killed him for acting like that. But I didn't. I didn't like it, but I wasn't enraged...
I guess my temper is getting better...
Work is still boring...I have this nice poetry book...it's kinda cool. I've read about two of the poems as of yet, and they were nice. Her name is Harryette Mullen. Well that's about it. Oh, yeah...I got into an argument with this CRAZY old woman about "her printouts." On the computer monitor it clearly states that anything printed out is twenty-five cents per page, if it is not for homework; meaning College of Lake County homework. She printed out about eighty pages, and I did not let her have them. She became hostile, and refused to pay. She wanted to take them, and said that they were "hers." I politely told her the rules again, and she yelled at me again. So I called security. I don't make enough money to put up with that foolishness...She needs to either get a computer and printer of her own, or go to Kinko's. I bet they would take her crazy butt to jail if she put on a show like that at Kinko's...but this isn't Kinko's. And the security officer isn't the police... Oh well.
Yeah, so nothing much different today. I'm at work, this guy that I don't know keeps asking me questions; the guy who is a fake computer nerd. Other than that...I'm ok. It seems like no matter how old you get, there is always someone older that talks to you like you are stupid. I don't get it. Is you life THAT empty where you have to boost your own self-confidence by putting me down? Do you know how hard it is for me to NOT say anything "smart" and make THEM look stupid for their own statements? But that is not right: me putting them down will not bare any positive fruit into either of our lives. So, what's the point, right? Yeah, but it's still difficult to hold yourself back. I guess in the long run, I'll learn something good from this.
Yeah, I know I haven't written anything in a few days...So what? Not much has changed since the last time I wrote. I'm getting more hours at Dollar General. That's cool, I guess. It's a job; I don't like it, but they are paying me...so I guess it's just motivation to find something better. I think I'll have my license fines paid off pretty soon. That's cool...then I can try and find a job that isn't on the bus route. I don't think that I'm going to be talking to as many girls as I usually do anymore. It just clogs my stream of consciousness... and that isn' t good at all. I make myself look "girl crazy" on this site; that is not the representation that I want to have. I'm suppose to be moving in to adulthood...that can't include the mismanagement of my priorities.
Well, today is cool; besides the fact that I was late this morning...I stopped at McDonalds to pick up a drink, and secretly see if my co-worker Claudia was there. I was waiting in line, and I didn't see her, and then she breezes in around the corner...it was well, amazing. Okay, I sound really cheesy, but she glowed; even in her uniform. Well, she went up to the counter, and asked me to come over. I placed my order, and she rang it up...it was about half the price that it should have been...she gave me a discount. I wanted to tell her that she did have to, or ask her why, but I also didn't want to get her into trouble. So, I just kinda looked like, "Huh?" and she knew...She said she was going to come see me after work. I'm kinda excited. That's so dumb of me to be excited, but I am. I went to high school with her, and never knew her...funny, huh? I guess not...but yeah, she's coming to see me today. Other than that, there isn't much on my mind. Except for maybe Kristen still...I still think that she thinks that I'm weird. She doesn't necessarily say anything to me of that nature, but she seems like she does. Maybe again, maybe again it's just me. oh well...I gotta go, she's IMing me...later.
Sometimes I wonder why my mind rambles about so much. It's like one big never ending loop of mental inventions that never become solidified, due to the whole migration of thought. It's weird. I have dreamed up at least five different innovations/inventions, and they can't be realized due to the lack of fiscal opportunity in my life. So many poems that can last for at least a ten minute flow that is never transpired into written prose. I guess that's why I like using this whole "blog" thing. It's actually quite clever, the whole idea of sorts...I just hope it doesn't get bogged down with adware/spyware and pop-ups like most free pages do...I'm really starting to come into the man I will be for the rest of my life; I just don't want to have an existence that is not what is planned for me eternally. I bet whoever reads this thinks I'm really trying to be extra deep...Sorry, I'm not. I can be very shallow at times...Not a lot, but I can be...
My ex is so filled with bitterness and anger, even now, a whole year after we broke up. I can't understand why she is still holding on to the pain. Doesn't she know that keeping in pain makes you hardened and old? I mean, she tells everyone that we both know how happy she is, and I really hope she is happy. I just don't want her to be all bitter. Nothing fruitful is going to come out of holding on to that stuff...I just hope that she is going to be okay.
Prototype. I use to think that I wanted to be with the "prototype" like what Andre 3000 refers to...But then I realized something. A prototype is just a "rough draft" of an invention. Doesn't have all the kinky worked out yet. I think I've been through at least two prototypes already...I want the finished product; or at least a beta version...
"she Anita even got to have a big ole' booty, you know, just sometime' well-proportioned. You know, a nice little tail..."
-Andre' 3000
I met some girl/woman named sheeka...what kind of ghetto name is Sheeka? I guess it's not HER fault. Anyway, she was cool. Not necessarily my regular type, but she seemed nice. I don't even have anything profound to say today...You would think that I would, but not really. My head still hurts, just not as bad. I miss the attention I use to get from having a girlfriend...I mean, I don't even want one right now; I think. I just miss the attention. It was nice to have someone who thought you were the world...maybe I need a pet. I doubt it. Maybe it is a longing for companionship...I'm not quite sure. Whatever it is, it'll pass. It usually does. This happens about every seven weeks...I saw Mean Girls today. It's a pretty good movie. Not laugh out loud funny, but humorous. I did enjoy it though...oh well...my boss is crazy. He keeps drooling over the hispanic and filipino girls...it's kinda funny, but it isn't. They are all like, 20, and he is about 41...you do the math. Anyway, I guess I'll go home and cut the grass...
yep!
Thursday, July 15 2004
11:48am
Well, not too much else has happened in the couple of hours that have passed...this kid keeps talking to me on Tuesday and Thursday at work, and I don't know his name...I almost feel bad. Then again, I don't think he ever told me his name...anyway, that's whatever.
As far as I'm concerned, dating should be outlawed until you take a mental capacity test to prove you are stable enough to entertain a romantic relationship...otherwise, someone WILL get hurt, and then in turn, become damaged. Then, a GOOD person meets them, and they shy away because they don't want to get hurt...it can be very frustrating.
More and more I'm starting to become more aware of the sexist, negative images portrayed in the entertainment industry; especially when it comes to portraying blacks. All black people in a mainstream movie are either rappers, athletes, dancers, thugs, or just stupid. Then, in all black movies, or a movie that has the "urban" audience in mind always has some storyline that circles around one of three topics: Some guy either having problems with/trying to get with/trying to fool some female, or some angry black man out for justice/revenge/his own will, or a group of random black people at go through stupid, unrealistic stuff that is SO funny...Don't get me wrong, there are a few exceptions, but not many.
Why are ALL videos filled with women with ten percent of there clothes on? That is so degrading.
Why can't people just be honest with there feelings?
I feel like Jada right now...
"Why?"
Be back tomorrow...
Thursday, June 15 2004
8:41am
This morning is a little too uncomfortable for me...My head hurts, my contacts are acting up, and I'm REALLY sleepy...but other than that, all is well...
I guess I'm starting to admit to myself that I over think things...it could be worse. I just don't quite know what direction I want to go in life: I've been standing at this crossroad for a while now, and I'm still not fully decided on which way to go. Neither would be bad, but I just want to fulfill my purpose.
I talked with my "lil sis" Kim two nights ago. It was a great conversation, lasted about two hours...but the way it ended made me worry. She seems like she could become attracted to me, and that would be TOO weird. I mean, she's great and all, but she's sixteen, I'm twenty-one. No matter how nice she is, there is nothing that is going to close the gap of any type of compatibility except for time. So that door will be definitely closed for at least three years.
Last night I talked to Kristen. It was pretty nice. The longest conversation by far at a resounding twenty-four minutes...numbers are funny. They show you meaning in ways that you can overlook; or maybe I'm just over thinking...anyway, yeah the conversation was nice. We actually got past the facade of small talk into a slightly deeper realm of feelings. Even though feelings are only a way of your flesh trying to override your spirit, they can sometimes be used to help you understand. Sometimes they even trigger different ideas...I don't know...well, I do. It is just the way you work. If you aren't in control of yourself, feelings can suppress rational thought. You should know by now how you operate; at least to some extent...I'll be back shortly...
Wednesday, July 14 2004
8:42am
This really sucks big time...I stayed up until about three o'clock talking on the phone, and now I have the biggest headache...What is it about cute girls that makes me not want to give time to rest? I guess that is a revelation I'll have to wait for. Anyway, not too much new. I'm sitting next to this cute girl that I talk to on occasion, and the conversation between us is dying. I guess we are just on two different playing fields...or whatever that means. I may just sit here all day and collect money...or go out and pop off some cds...I haven't quite decided yet. My head does really hurt. I have noticed that when I listen to instrumentals, I can freestyle better than my written stuff...I guess it's easier to be witty on the move. I really don't know what to say to this girl...she is all of eighteen, and has the depth of a wading pool. Being cute can only take you so far with me...I'm whining right know, aren't I? I guess so. I had a decent conversation with Tiffany last night...she seems kinda...I don't know, quiet? Just kinda chill...which is refreshing, yet she lacks social skills...I mean, she's not much of a conversationalist...she's cool, but it would be hard to get her to talk, but I think that she needs too. She seems like she's been damaged, like every other female ages 15-26. I'll try to be her friend, and see where that takes me...I guess that's it for now...Two fingers, like a playa...
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